How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
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Money is the root of all wealth
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no