How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
The three genders
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
this makes me so uncomfortable
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?