@brettminor It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
@jus4golf How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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@brettminor 
@Brianhopecomedy I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
@Froschauer_AF My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
@XplodingUnicorn 3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
@MarlaCaceres Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
@AbbyHasIssues The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
@TragicAllyHere A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
@newstart43 Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
@DirtMcTurd Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
@kelkulus Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.