How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.


I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.


My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.


3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house


Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.


The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.


A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.


Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants


Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.