@jus4golf

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

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@brettminor

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

@Brianhopecomedy

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

@Froschauer_AF

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

@MarlaCaceres

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

@AbbyHasIssues

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

@TragicAllyHere

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

@DirtMcTurd

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

@kelkulus

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.