How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…