How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
calling in to work dehydrated
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.