“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
You Might Also Like
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
when there are deer in the woods
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
no regrets
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.