How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
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today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us