How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
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