How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?