@peterjames48

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

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@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@TopherKearby

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

@ParaJanitor

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

@MumInBits

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

@UncleDuke1969

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

@neiltyson

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”