How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I can fix him.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck