@BrooksErrDay584 Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
@peterjames48 How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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@BrooksErrDay584 
@STRIKINGxVIKING “I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
@chuuew ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
@TopherKearby James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
@ParaJanitor I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
@curlycomedy Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
@MumInBits 5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
@UncleDuke1969 “Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
@neiltyson Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
@SarahKSilverman From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”