How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Need this in my life lol
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
dictator is short for richard potato
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together