how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*