How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session