My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.