@SardonicTart

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

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@thedailymarker

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

@semple42

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

@RunOldMan

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

@QwertyJones3

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

@onion_an

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

@FredTaming

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

@ArfMeasures

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

@prufrockluvsong

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

@iamspacegirl

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.