How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.