How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
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HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Food gives you energy to nap more.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day