How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
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bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
That’s no pocket rocket.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?