“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know