How many vultures circling you is good luck?
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I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
a god among men
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.