How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
You Might Also Like
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Pretty much! 😂👀