How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
They’re not wrong
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.