How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO