How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.