how much for the angry fruit?
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If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I didn’t realize that was an option
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.