@OneFunnyMummy

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

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@girlnarly

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

@Darlainky

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

@MissSassy_Pants

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

@Storminika

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

@goodgrief_rats

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

@_elvishpresley_

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

@NYC_Blonde

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR