How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.