How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Me, in DM rooms…
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door