How much for the goth pool noodles?
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something