“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
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Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip