How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
$3 #books
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Worlds greatest photobomb
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”