– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
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Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.