How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
You Might Also Like
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
That’s classic.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.