“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
You Might Also Like
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns