“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
this FaceApp is creepy af
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.