How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
You Might Also Like
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation