“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
You Might Also Like
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.