how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
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Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.