How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.