@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

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@tealbluejay

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

@JussMemez

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

@NYC_Blonde

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

@TheTimmyToes

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

@fro_vo

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for