How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.