How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Seek kebab; not attention
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Hard not to take this personally
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through