How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.