How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
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I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.