“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
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If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now