How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
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Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha