How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.
[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..