How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.