Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley