How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
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My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.