How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Good Morning.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.