how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
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FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
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why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
That’s classic.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy