How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Danger is very dangerous
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??