How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
You Might Also Like
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*