How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.