“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
best review i’ve ever seen
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same