“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.