How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
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I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
A woman drives into a bar.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
What the hell happened here.
Ain’t no way
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend