How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
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“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok